Jazz-The Soundtrack to My Disability Life
It was a calm and temperate Phoenix night. Clear skies. Mid-May, so it wasn’t unbearably hot yet. I was walking back to my car after leaving an event at the Phoenix Science Center, cosplaying as Poison Ivy as it was a “science of superheroes”-themed event. I pushed the button to cross the street. I had the right of way. As I entered the second half of the road from the pedestrian crosswalk, suddenly, BOOM! CRASH! I was struck by a car traveling 48mph. I was thrown 15’ up and 100’ forward from where the driver hit me. I sustained multiple injuries, some of which have resulted in long-term disabilities and conditions to include a traumatic brain injury, chronic pain, nerve damage and vestibular and vision issues, just to name a few. The driver never got out of his car and left me alone, broken and bleeding on the street until a Good Samaritan who witnessed the incident came to help me.
Jazz has become the soundtrack of my disabilities. There’s a song or artist for every mood, every experience, every setback and every triumph that I’ve been forced to contend with in the almost eight years since the traumatic accident occurred. I’ve always loved the motto, “life is a movie, starring you,” and if I were to choose the genre that best encapsulates and expresses my experiences since becoming disabled, it would be jazz.
Jazz is a difficult genre to clearly define because it encompasses a wide range of music spanning time, culture and region. According to Wikipedia, “Jazz is a music genre that originated in the African-American communities of New Orleans, Louisiana, in the late 19th and early 20th centuries, with its roots in blues, ragtime, European harmony and African rhythmic rituals.” (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jazz)
Artists such as Duke Ellington, Miles Davis and John Coltrane are familiar favorites of the musical style. Although often a male-dominated genre, the contributions of female jazz artists such as Ella Fitzgerald, Billie Holiday and Sarah Vaughn should not be overlooked; their influence on modern-day artists such as Diana Krall and Melody Gardot is apparent.
Jazz is a style of music that is rooted in improvisation. Performers may change melodies, harmonies or compositions depending on mood, audience participation and the general vibe in the room. Notes and melodies may change at a moment's notice, you never know what to expect and may never get the same live musical experience twice.
As a disabled person, I am no stranger to improvisation. The contemplative mood of Blue Mitchell’s song, “It Could Happen to You”, aptly named, melodically expresses the way that I constantly have to think of ways to adjust. The symptoms of my disabilities affect every aspect of my daily life, from self care to parenting and everything in between. Prior to the accident, I was an independent wellness instructor and single mom with a vibrant social life. Becoming disabled changed all of that, and I had to learn how to improvise to accommodate the effects of my disabilities. I constantly have to think on my feet and play it by ear just to make it through the day, a direct parallel to the way that jazz music encompasses improvisation.
I would be lying if I said that the question, “why me?” did not come to mind at times, especially in the early days of recovering from the accident. Every time I went to the doctor, it was more bad news: another diagnosis, another medical professional informing me of the negative long-term effects that I would be experiencing as a result of my disabilities and conditions. Interaction and collaboration are two key elements of jazz music.
Artists have an almost supernatural connection to both the music, and each other that creates beautiful pieces of instrumental art. Songs such as, “Have a Talk with God” by Henrik Gunde, Nicolas Kock and Karsten Bagge are excellent examples of several artists coming together to create something greater than what could be accomplished alone. Throughout my journey with disability, I have had to learn to lean on others for help. As a highly independent person, this was extremely difficult for me. But like the collaborations and interactions found in jazz music, once I learned to collaborate and interact with others for my well-being (primarily my immediate family), it created this beautiful mosaic of my current existence that’s greater than what I would have been able to accomplish on my own.
Because I finally learned to collaborate with others for assistance, I have been able to become a speaker and advocate, championing the issues that affect disabled persons, particularly those in the brain injury community. I collaborate with other survivor-advocates as a member of The Brain Injury Association of America’s Advisory Council. This would not have been possible unless I had taken a lesson from jazz music and learned to interact and collaborate, to lean on even, the people who are close to me in order to help me not only survive, but thrive despite my conditions.
And on that note (pun intended), It’s not all bad. Becoming disabled has shown me that I possess a strength and resilience that I didn’t know I had. The smooth, persistent melodies of “The Feeling of Jazz” by Duke Ellington and John Coltrane remind me of the fact that no matter what I’m facing-having to advocate for myself with doctors, dealing with the ableist misconceptions of others, debilitating pain, an uncertain future, I just keep on trucking. But unlike “The Little Engine That Could”, repeating “I think I can, I think I can,” my mantra has become, “I know I can, I know I can.” This song’s lilting cadence conjures up visions of me continuing to walk forward on this unchosen and unexpected path that I am now on with my disabilities and conditions.
At the 1976 Grammy Awards, Mel Torme asks “The Queen of Jazz”, Ella Fitzgerald, how she would explain what jazz music is to people. She replies that she thinks they can show them, and they go into a captivating scat performance, going back and forth, improvising notes and melodies, showcasing a beautiful explanation for something that is frequently considered to be undefinable. (view that performance here: https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x23t25p) That’s how I feel when I’m trying to explain what my life is like now that I’m disabled. There’s complications, back and forth momentum, highs and lows, joy, hidden pain even; but it all comes together beautifully to create the soundtrack of my life.
This journey began with a BOOM and a CRASH, like what we experience in the latter portion of Miles Davis’ “Nefertiti” after a mesmerizing, trance-like and consistent repetition of the melody in the first half of the song. The seeming dissonance that ensues is actually more of a controlled free-fall, which is exactly what my life as a disabled person has felt like. At times I may be “In A Sentimental Mood” (Thank you, Mr. Duke Ellington), but honestly, I wouldn’t trade this iconic symphony of a life with disabilities for the world. It’s been in this improvised, “take it as it comes and create something magical” experience that I’ve discovered a more marvelous version of myself. A version that’s allowing me to create something bigger than myself. If that’s not jazzy, then I don’t know what is.
©2025 Cazoshay Marie. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Cazoshay Marie with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
D.I.D. with Cazoshay and its materials are not intended to treat, diagnose, cure or prevent any disease. All material on this blog is provided for educational purposes only. Always seek the advice of your physician or another qualified healthcare provider for any questions you have regarding a medical condition, and before undertaking any diet, exercise or other health related program.
The Joys of Online Ordering: Something to Look Forward to
““Now faith is the reality of what is hoped for, the proof of what is not seen.” ”
It may not be obvious at first glance to see the connection between being disabled & buying things online. As a person living with disabilities, especially considering that my life is so drastically different than it was before the accident where I acquired the disabilities, speaking candidly, it often feels like I don’t have a lot to look forward to.
Because of my disabilities, I don’t get to spend time with my friends like I used to, I’m unable to attend events the way I used to & I am unable to do many of the hobbies that I could do before.
Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful to be alive & have done my best to make modifications & parcel out my energy & abilities on any given day to still be able to enjoy doing as much as I can. But because of how frequently I often feel like I’m missing out, (because I am) I’ve learned to find joy in other small ways.
One of the surprising ways that I’ve been able to find joy is in online shopping! Now, this is obviously something that you are not meant to go overboard with as it can become an addiction or even negatively impact you financially. But I’ve found there can be so much joy in something small, like the anticipation of expecting a little treat from Sephora-a new Armani eyeshadow or YSL lipcolor perhaps. (I just ordered the eye tint in Wood and am loving the Candy Glaze in Scenic Brown-seriously, I’ve been wearing it every day.)
I do most of my shopping online right now as it’s been a really great accessibility tool for me as a disabled person. Shopping IRL is very often a struggle that aggravates my symptoms to the point that I’m unable to function for the rest of the day, or for several days after-even with The Awesome Teen™️ helping me. I usually order my groceries for delivery since grocery shopping is a really difficult activity for me, as it is for many disabled persons. If Trader Joe’s would start a delivery service, my life would be infinitely more enjoyable…especially given my addiction to their truffle potato chips. Maybe it’s better that they don’t deliver…😆
But back to the fun part. Shopping online gives me something positive to look forward to in the future. Of course I have goals & aspirations that I would like to achieve, but honestly, when I’m faced with the realities of my disabilities & an unknown future living with them, it can feel discouraging sometimes.
But when I place an order online, I know that generally speaking, getting my special item(s) is going to happen. Regardless of my condition or what I’m able to do, it’s going to happen. So it gives me something positive to look forward to that’s not connected to the limitations of my disabilities. And I get a little prize at the end of it. Who doesn’t love that?
Finding joy in small, sometimes unexpected ways can be a great way to stay encouraged when experiencing big life changes like becoming disabled. I think the same is true if you’ve lived with disabilities your whole life as well.
Below I’ve listed a few of my favorite places to shop online, including some secondhand spots so you can feel extra good about your shopping choices heehee. 🛍️
Thrift Books-Thrift Books is a secondhand online bookstore. My most recent purchase was “Love Letters of Great Men” edited by Ursula Doyle, a book that was inspired by the first Sex and the City movie.
Sephora-This is one of my all-time favorite places to shop. I was so happy when we got our first one in Alaska. It can be hard to buy makeup blind without seeing it in person, so I may do a separate post about how I do that, but there are so many amazing products & brands to choose from.
The RealReal-The RealReal is an online secondhand luxury store. It’s a newer favorite of mine. They have everything from Louis Vuitton to Chanel to The Row, Fendi, Christian Dior and Loewe. Everything is authenticated by a team of experts so you can feel safe purchasing your fabulous pieces.
Amazon-Amazon is my go-to for sooooo many things. Household items, self care items, clothes...I mean you name it and Amazon probably has it…and with 2-day Prime delivery! I even recently bought miso paste from Amazon! I’ve provided a link to my Storefront with some of my chic, elegant picks for your fabulous life.✨ As an Amazon Associate, I may earn a small commission if you choose to make a purchase.
Ulta-Ulta is another awesome way to purchase your beauty items, especially because they have a really great rewards point program. They’re also one of the few retailers that carries Chanel makeup, so that’s a plus!
AbeBooks-This is another online secondhand book retailer. They have great prices and obscure titles, including a lot of out of print literature.
Saks Off5th-Saks Off5th is Saks 5th Avenue’s discount counterpart. You can score some pretty great deals here on all the types of things you’d find on the regular Sak’s site.
I’d love to know where you love to shop, leave me a comment and let me know!
©2024 Cazoshay Marie. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Cazoshay Marie with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
D.I.D. with Cazoshay and its materials are not intended to treat, diagnose, cure or prevent any disease. All material on this blog is provided for educational purposes only. Always seek the advice of your physician or another qualified healthcare provider for any questions you have regarding a medical condition, and before undertaking any diet, exercise or other health related program.
From Wreckage to Resilience: Celebrating Another Year of Overcoming and Embracing Life's Second Chance
They say that surviving a near-death experience changes you, and it couldn't be truer. Today marks the six-year anniversary since I emerged from the wreckage of a traumatic car accident, being struck by a car at 48mph while crossing the street in downtown Phoenix in 2017, and as I sit here, reflecting on the past year, I can't help but feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude and resilience. Join me on this journey as I share my thoughts on this significant milestone and the lessons I've learned along the way.
Gratitude: Surviving a traumatic accident has taught me the true value of life. It's easy to take our existence for granted, but when faced with the fragility of our mortality, gratitude becomes an essential part of our daily lives. Every sunrise, every laugh, and every embrace takes on a newfound significance. I am grateful for the simple joys and the chance to experience them once more.
Resilience: The journey to recovery has been challenging, both physically and emotionally. But through the pain and the obstacles, I've discovered an inner strength that I never knew existed. The human spirit is remarkably resilient, and it's during our darkest moments that we find the courage to persevere. I've learned to face adversity head-on, embracing the challenges and transforming them into opportunities for growth with the help of God, my family and friends.
Perspective: Surviving a traumatic car accident has gifted me with a fresh perspective on life. The trivial worries that once consumed my thoughts have faded away, replaced by a profound appreciation for what truly matters. Relationships, love, personal growth, and making a positive impact in the world have taken center stage. I've learned to let go of the insignificant and embrace the beauty of the present moment.
Healing: Physical and emotional healing takes time, and it's a journey unique to each individual. As I reflect on my healing journey, I'm proud of the progress I've made, both physically and emotionally. Healing is not linear, and there have been many setbacks along the way. But with determination and the support of loved ones, I've learned to navigate through the ups and downs, celebrating each milestone as a victory.
Empathy and Connection: Having experienced the trauma of a traumatic pedestrian-car accident, I've developed a deeper sense of empathy and compassion for others. I now understand the importance of reaching out and supporting those who may be facing their own struggles. Connecting with others who have gone through similar experiences has been invaluable, reminding me that I am not alone and that together, we can find strength in our shared stories. I am blessed to now be a speaker, content creator and disability advocate, sharing my experience and advocating for the disability community.
Surviving a traumatic car accident has forever changed me. Today, as I commemorate the six-year anniversary of that life-altering event, I am filled with a mix of emotions. Gratitude, resilience, perspective, healing, and empathy have become my guiding forces. The journey has been challenging, but it has also been transformative, reminding me of the incredible power of the human spirit. I look forward to the future with renewed determination and a deep appreciation for the precious gift of life.
©Cazoshay Marie, 2023. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Cazoshay Marie with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
D.I.D. with Cazoshay and its materials are not intended to treat, diagnose, cure or prevent any disease. All material on this blog is provided for educational purposes only. Always seek the advice of your physician or another qualified healthcare provider for any questions you have regarding a medical condition, and before undertaking any diet, exercise or other health related program.
Early September Update
I never really know how much personal stuff I should share here on the blog. Do people just want the recipes and DIYs and don’t really want to hear about my journey with the accident and living with chronic pain and invisible disability? I feel like I’m doing everyone, including myself, a disservice if I don’t share about those things, especially since they still affect my daily life so much. One of the most frustrating things about my situation is that I have so many ideas! There are so many things that I have in the queue for you guys as far as recipes and projects go, but as you can see, I’m not able to actually get things posted on here as frequently as I’d like to, and that is because of my current physical state.
It is frustrating to say the least. I recently had a medical procedure that did not go as planned that left me literally bedridden in excruciating pain for over two weeks. I was unable to drive, cook, clean or really do much of anything to care for myself due to the overwhelming pain, and I’m still not really back to where I was before the procedure.
If I’m being totally honest, it can really be hard to keep the faith at times. I have doctors who I do believe are trying their best to help me. But I have been dealing with these issues since 2017, when I was struck by a car at 48mph while crossing the street after an event I attended with a friend at the Phoenix Science Center. As difficult as it can be, hope and faith are my only options, because giving up just isn’t something I’m prepared to do. I have a sixteen year old son who has been by my side throughout this entire ordeal, as well as friends, family members and even strangers who I want to know that even though you get knocked down, there is still light at the end of the tunnel.
I’d be lying if I said I don’t feel useless sometimes, a shell of my former self. Before the accident I was a wellness professional teaching yoga and meditation classes, cooking classes, training for the San Francisco Giants Half Marathon, the list goes on. Now, some days I struggle to even get out of bed due to chronic pain, migraines, vestibular issues and complications from the traumatic brain injury and concussion as a result of the accident.
As a part of my healing journey, I became involved with the Brain Injury Alliance of Arizona and other organizations. I began doing speaking engagements and events sharing my experience of living with a traumatic brain injury and invisible disabilities. My son has also had an opportunity to share his parallel experience of healing right along side me as he was affected by what I was going through as well. I’ve spoken to occupational therapy students, at conferences and have been interviewed for podcasts and magazines. While I would not wish this experience on my worst enemy, (I actually don’t have any enemies so that phrase isn’t really relevant lol) I am so glad that God has allowed me to use this experience to help and inspire others.
Photo by Paul Markow
If I could leave you with one thing today, it’s that not only is there light at the end of the tunnel, but you don’t have to wait to be out of the tunnel to find joy and peace right where you’re at now. It might not be easy, but it is possible. I’m living proof of that and I hope and pray that you’re able to find the hope in your own situation, whatever you may be going though.
Keep growing and glowing, friends!
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©Cazoshay Marie, 2022. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Cazoshay Marie with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
D.I.D. with Cazoshay and its materials are not intended to treat, diagnose, cure or prevent any disease. All material on this blog is provided for educational purposes only. Always seek the advice of your physician or another qualified healthcare provider for any questions you have regarding a medical condition, and before undertaking any diet, exercise or other health related program.
Secrets of The Advent Wreath
Are you familiar with the tradition of the 𝓐𝓭𝓿𝓮𝓷𝓽 𝓦𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓽𝓱? Each piece of the wreath has a special meaning:
•The 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐠𝐫𝐞𝐞𝐧𝐬 symbolize everlasting life in the midst of winter and death. No matter what the season, evergreens stays the same. Just like no matter what season you are in in your life; Jesus stays the same.
•𝐑𝐞𝐝 𝐡𝐨𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐛𝐞𝐫𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐬 symbolize Jesus’ sacrifice and death, they remind us of Jesus’ blood that was shed for us. There is no greater love.
•𝐏𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐞𝐬 symbolize the new life that Jesus brings through His resurrection. Pinecones contain the seeds of the evergreen tree. They represent bringing forth the new life that Jesus has given us due to the Resurrection.
•And finally, the 𝐟𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐥𝐞𝐬 represent Hope, Faith, Joy, and Peace. Sometimes a fifth one is added in the center to represent J̳e̳s̳u̳s̳.
Which of these themes (Peace, Hope, Faith, Joy) are you focusing on during this season of Advent?
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©Cazoshay Marie, 2021. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Cazoshay Marie with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
D.I.D. with Cazoshay and its materials are not intended to treat, diagnose, cure or prevent any disease. All material on this blog is provided for educational purposes only. Always seek the advice of your physician or another qualified healthcare provider for any questions you have regarding a medical condition, and before undertaking any diet, exercise or other health related program.